QUADROPHENIA 2003
Sylvester Stallone's ingenious remake of the British classic relocates the action to South Cental LA. Stallone's Jimmy is a Parka-wearing, Vespa-riding Crips gang member battling the Bloods on Venice Beach. Soundtrack features the hit single My Generation (Mo' Props) by Christina Aguilera.
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF KEITH CHEGWIN
Thriller based on the life of the popular Multi-Coloured Swap Shop presenter. Cheggers must overcome a huge inflatable assault course, surrounded by baying children. But can he survive the inevitable slide into alcoholism? With today's musical guests, boys and girls please welcome, Musical Youth.
THE IKEA MAN
Weirdly engrossing sci-fi tale set in a post-apocalyptic furniture store. Charlton Heston wakes in a brightly-lit building filled with bizarrely named furnishings, and must fight for his life against an army of dawdling Sunday shoppers. Can Heston escape from the store without having to traipse very slowly through every single department, including those he has no interest in, or can he find an elusive short cut?
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THE GREATEST STORY EVER HUMMED
The long-awaited biopic of mouth-musician Bobby McFerrin. Despite not being able to play any proper instruments, McFerrin scores a hit with his acapella single Don't Worry Be Happy. But can he avoid a Flying Pickets-style slide into oblivion? Starring that bloke who makes funny noises with his mouth out of Police Academy.
VOUS IDIOT PRETENTIOUS
A smoking man wanders the streets of Paris in a trenchcoat, intercut with close-ups of ticking clocks, barking dogs, and speciality bread. The man has unglamorous sex with a woman with no breasts, drinks a cup of coffee, and rides a bicycle into a river. In French with boring subtitles.
MUCKY NONSENSE IV
Off-colour Shannon Tweed vehicle, in which the queen of tame erotic thrillers travels back in time somehow to have sex with B-movie actors lamely dressed as historical figures. But will Abraham Lincoln consent? Contains sex scenes that cut away just when they're getting interesting.
BUM CHANCE
Michael Douglas plays bum-faced bum Charles 'Bum' Chance, a down-and-out who is also inexplicably some sort of secret agent. Just days from retirement, Bum is called in on one last job - to catch the killer of his former partner, ass-faced ass doctor Jim 'Ass' Mayhem, a proctologist-stroke-spy with many secrets hidden in his passage.
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Renee Zellweger
Occupation
Gurner
Date of birth
25/04/1947
Location
Homebase, Texas
Fave flavour
Sour
Biography:
Creasy-phizogged
Renee Zellweger is afflicted with an unspeakably sour face due to an addiction to elderberry wine. Her next project is Kiss My Scrunched-Up Face, an horrific romantic comedy set in a leafy London suburb, co-starring one of the Fiennes brothers, scripted by Ben Elton, and featuring a bore-pop soundtrack compiled by hairdressers.
Filmography:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre VII
... Jenny Screamer
Jerry Springer
... Mouthy Eyeshut
Sweaty Betty
... Betty Seersucker
Me, Myself & Jim Carrey
... Crinkly Septum
Bridget Jones' Whiny Existence
... Bridget Jones
Colorado
... Moxie Blart
IN THIS CORNER MARK REVIEWS: CITIZEN KANE
'A fine piece of work directed by and starring Orson Welles, who also starred in In Our Hands (1984) with Ellen Burstyn and Voyage of the Damned (1976) with Max Von Sydow, both of whom starred in The Exorcist (1973), which, of course, without doubt, is the best movie ever made.'
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